Joy and Grief
These two emotions are rarely experienced simultaneously. Well, that is until you are standing face to face with your mortality.
Lately, I have been walking through the phenomenon of holding a multitude of thoughts, feelings, and emotions regarding my prognosis. For the past year, I have avoided the flicker of joy that springs up when I think of my passing. “How can I be happy about my passing? About the pain and suffering that is in my future?” my brain often whispers with judgment. You see, we live in a world, where death, dying, and being terminally ill is often labeled as evil, and something to be avoided at all costs.
Yes, dying is terrifying.
Yes, I hate that I am very likely not going to fulfill all the dreams and plans that I had for myself.
I am grieving the moments that I am going to miss. Saddened that I will not see all my siblings fall in love, have children, and change the world. I won’t see my parents grow old together.
As I hold those emotions, I sense a flicker of joy underneath the pain.
Joy that my pain and suffering will come to an end soon.
Gratitude that I am granted the privilege of knowing.
Thankfulness for the time I have left.
Peace, knowing that all emotions are valid in this grieving process.
As you walk through your grieving process, I have found the following tips to be extremely helpful.
- Therapy!
I know that therapy is often over-preached by society. I also want to acknowledge that it is a luxury that not everyone has access to due to cost, lack of resources/therapists, or schedule challenges. With that being said, if you can access therapy, please take advantage of it. As it can be beneficial in understanding and moving through the grieving process.
- Express
Find a way to express your grief journey. Grief is a messy and often lonely experience. However, finding an outlet for expression can be life-altering. I have found drawing and writing to be the most beneficial in expressing my pain and joy. I also use social media as an outlet for my joy. Often use it to hold me accountable in finding the joy within my grief; be that posting a cute video of a new task that Vespa has learned, writing a quick blurb about how I am feeling, or capturing and editing a photo of the simple things in life.
- Reflect
Reflection on what I have expressed is a step that I often rush over or forget altogether. Nonetheless, I feel that when I take a minute to read old journey entries or look at my artwork, I am taught something new. Reflection allows me to learn from my expression. It enables me to see and hold space for my experiences. It empowers me to grow.
My hope on your journey of grief is that you will embrace the many emotions that may arise.
Laugh with the joy.
Cry with the sadness.
Scream with the anger.
Knowing that grief is a rollercoaster of valid emotions.