I am dying.
That wasn’t something that I ever planned or wanted to say at the age of 25. But it’s the reality. Many people respond to the news with, “We are all dying. Everyone is terminal.” However, it’s different when you know that you are enjoying the last moments. It is different when you see the sand rushing through the hourglass. It’s different when you know that your time is limited.
No one tells you how to die slowly. How it feels to experience lasts over and over again. What it feels like to know that you only have a few more years left, but somehow, it just goes on and on. You try setting your loved ones up for success by planning your funeral. You attempt to prepare them for your passing by writing letters and conversing. But how do you tell a ten-year-old that you are dying and may or may not make it to their twelfth birthday?
There are plenty of resources out there for people who are dying quickly. There is hospice, there are cancer support groups, and there are grief counselors. But how do you grieve your future death when it is only a few years away? How do you suffer the reality of your death, all while you are still living? How do you say goodbye when you are still alive?
I guess I shouldn’t complain. But sometimes, just breathing is so much work. And sometimes, just choosing to get back up is so hard. It’s not that I am not thankful for the time that I have. I am soaking up every moment that I have left. But it’s hard to enjoy those moments when I am tired, and life continues. I feel so stuck and trapped on this journey. I feel weaker and more tired, but my body decides to keep living.
I am dying.
I am dying slowly. But at the same time, I am dying quicker than the average 25-year-old. Upon hearing about my grieving process, some claim I am not dying quickly enough and shouldn’t bother to put things in order and that I should live in the moment. At the same time, others encourage me to get on disability, to enjoy my life, and to fulfill my dreams.
What do you do when you are dying slowly? What do you do when you are dying but your body keeps fighting to live?
I am trying to find the answers to these questions.
Welcome to my journey of dying slowly.