Just some random thoughts from my birthday in January
“Today was my birthday, a day which felt like any other workday, but at the same time felt like a day filled with the weight and memory of the impending future. Birthdays are tough for me. I experience a mosaic of emotions on this day. A feeling of gratitude for still breathing, making memories, and living for another trip around the sun. But then I also experienced the heaviness of the reality that I only have a few more birthdays left, and maybe this is my last. With that feeling tonight, as I sit here writing, I just want to curl up and cry. But I can’t seem to bring myself to shed a tear, so instead, I write.
I write about how I am angry that my body is too stubborn and won’t let me die. I am angry that I can’t live the typical life of someone in their 20s. I am angry at the grief and sadness that I can’t save my loved ones from. I am angry that this is my existence. I am angry that I can’t speak clearly. I am angry that I can’t just get up and run through a field like I would as a child. I am angry that I have to just sit with these emotions, and they never really go away. I am angry that I live in a world where we can’t talk about death, and suicide is an option that is frowned upon. Tonight, I feel angry. But I also feel sad. I guess those two emotions blend into a ball of blue and red, turning into a purple hue of confusion. Emotions are so dam confusing when they do that.”