Shattering Glass

I can typically go day to day, not being impacted by the reality of what my disability and diagnoses have stolen from me. But, on beautiful spring evenings, when I see children playing soccer in the field behind my home or a parent playfully chasing after their toddler, I am reminded of moments I won’t ever relish in again. It stings to be moving through grief constantly.

I miss walking on sandy beaches and feeling the grains of sand slipping through my toes. I miss aimlessly kicking a soccer ball barefoot on freshly cut grass. I miss attending karate class—or simple things like walking through a store.

I hate that the sensation of running becomes more vague with each passing year. During the first few years with my chair, if I closed my eyes and focused intently, my body would remember the sensation of running, jumping, climbing, or spinning. But now it’s just a distant feeling, evaporating with each grasp.

I feel trapped this evening. I am stuck in a time warp of destruction. Encaged within the body of both the perpetrator and victim and confined to concrete walkways, ramps, and elevators.

Living this life isn’t one of “inspiration” or “strength.” It’s one of frustration when tremors get nasty, and I spill my breakfast on the floor. It’s one of mixed emotions during a physical therapy session. It’s one of simply choosing to get up every morning, even when I was in pain through the night, and my mind and body both scream to give up. It’s dirty and messy.

As I have moved through the feeling of being trapped, I am reminded of the importance of letting those feelings out in whatever way is best for me. The release of my feelings has changed throughout my life, sometimes through drawing, other times through writing, and at other times through ripping up paper. 

I don’t know where you are on your journey. Maybe you are laying in bed with a flare-up and can only squeeze your hand in frustration. Perhaps you have the physical ability to go for a run or bench press that trapped feeling away. Whatever you can do, please do it. Allow your body to move in space. Enable those feelings and emotions to be released from your soul and for the glass to finally shatter.